I wish I lived in a state that had a Death With Dignity law. I'm not sure I'd ever use it but I'd feel better if I had that option. For me, it's not about suffering. I have a pretty high pain tolerance - not that I want to suffer, you understand - but the far more serious concern for me is loss of control. I have always believed that I own myself but, of course, most politicians and churches don't agree. They think they own us and can make our critical decisions for us. If we can have an abortion. Who we can marry. Where we can go to the bathroom, for God's sake. And how long we have to keep living.
When the hospice lady came to see me to tell me all the services, they provide I was more or less shaking my head in resignation - okay, okay. Then she said they would bathe me when when I got to the point I couldn't bathe myself. That statement sent cold chills down my spine. I don't want anyone to bathe me - not a nurse, not my best friend, no one! At that point, I think I'd be ready to call it a day.
I'm not one of those people who want their family and friends around them when they die. A nurse at Wellbrooke made me feel so much better about my Mom. I had been going twice and day and staying for hours. This nurse (I don't know her name) told me to go home and get some rest.
I said, "but what if she dies when I'm gone?"
"I've been doing this for 30 years and I can tell you people decide for themselves. If your mother dies when she's alone, it's because she wanted it that way.
She was alone when she died but the nurse's words eased my guilt.
My grandma was just the opposite. She was in a coma, on the verge of dying, but she hung on. My Aunt Deanie told her, "Jane (my mother) is on her way, Momma."
This was in Illinois and Mom was coming from Indiana. She walked into the room and kissed Grandma and held her hand. Fifteen minutes later she took her last breath. I truly believe she was waiting for her last child to come say good-bye.
I think I'd be more like Mom. Go away and leave me alone to do this.
A friend and I talked about suicide and how we'd do it if it ever came to that. I have loaded guns in the house but when I worked for the City, I remember the firemen's stories about people who shot themselves but didn't get the job done. One man shot his jaw off. Well, that would certainly just compound your misery!
Besides that, I wouldn't want my friends to find such a horrifying sight. That would be cruel.
I have all kinds of pills around here but I don't know anything about what or how many you'd need to take to die. Take too many and you'd just vomit them back up.
I almost drowned once and that was actually pleasant. I'd jumped off a high dive into a very deep gravel pit, went to the bottom and just sat there Indian-fashion. I didn't even realize I couldn't breathe - but I don't think it's always that serene and besides, I don't know where there's a gravel pit with a high dive.
We finally decided the best way would probably be carbon monoxide. Drive your car into the garage and leave it running. You'd have to be determined though because I don't think that's very quick. A friend's husband committed suicide that way but he changed his mind and made it as far as the kitchen. They found him reaching for the phone.
No way really seems ideal. I've had to have several pets put down because they were in serious pain. They got a shot, gave a sigh and relaxed into death. We're kinder to animals than we are to ourselves.
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