I Hope Heaven Allows Smoking

I hope they have coffee and cigarettes in heaven - spoken like a true addict, which is what I am.

I started smoking when I was 15. My friend, who was 16, was pregnant. By the time, she was aware of her condition, the teenage love affair was long over but she did what so many girls did then. She married the father to "give the baby a name". His parents paid for an apartment but he never came around. But her sister and I did. Three teenage girls in an apartment with no adults. Wow, freedom!

That's when we began smoking. Smoking was considered cool back then....and we thought it made us look mature.

I didn't even like the first few I smoked but I persevered because teenage girls will do almost anything if they think it makes them look cool.

By the end of that visit, I was addicted. Since then, the longest I've ever gone without smoking is six days when I was in the hospital.

One of us went on to quit, another of us became an alcoholic. I just kept smoking.

Did I ever try to quit? Oh, yes, I was hypnotized to quit twice. Both doctors told me to throw my cigarettes away before I came and I did. When I left their offices, I went straight to the store and bought another pack of cigarettes and smoked all the way home.

I wore the patches for a while....and smoked the entire time I was wearing them. I took pills for a while and smoked the entire time I was taking them.

I used to tease my boss, the Sheriff, and say despite how law-abiding I'd been my whole life, if he ever had occasion to put me in jail. I would probably end up with an additional charge for trying to smuggle in contraband in the form of cigarettes.

I think everybody is addicted to something. Not every addiction is as negative as smoking. If you're addicted to drugs or drinking, those are even more dangerous than cigarettes. If you're addicted to eating, the worse thing that will happen is you'll get fat (which can bring its own kind of problems). If you're a compulsive clean freak, you'll simply end up with a clean house and exhaustion. People become addicted to being thin, which can result in anorexia or bulimia. They can bankrupt themselves gambling or being a shopaholic or bring shame and censure upon themselves for being addicted to sex.

Smoking is a tranquilizer for me. If I'm stressed, I can light a cigarette and instantly feel calmer. It is part of my writing. If I try not to smoke, I sit at the computer with visions of smoking befogging my brain and I don't write a word, or if I do those words seem clunky and graceless.

Knowing my own addiction and the excuses I use to keep indulging myself (see above) always gave me a little more sympathy for our inmates because I know what addiction feels like. Most people do but they don't always allow themselves to realize it.

My doctor always asks me if I'd like a prescription for anti-smoking pills or a referral to a cessation program but she knows what my answer will be.

When my husband was dying of lung cancer, he said, "too late to worry about it now". (Actually, his official diagnosis was Agent Orange rather than smoking but what difference does it make?) He smoked until the day he died.

I expect that will be me too.